It’s when you’ve been pricked past your breaking point that nothing of it all matters anymore. Smiling is nothing but pointlessly trying to cover up the pain and sadness you’re holding inside that no one deserves or needs to know. No point shedding tears for people who will never care or give two cents whether you existed or not; they’d be better off without you anyway.
When you’re less than a human being; labelled a drug addict, a person with mental instabilities, a person who needs to undergo rehabilitation because what she has done is deemed outrageous and not what a normal person of society does and is subjected to undergo prison treatment for no crime she has committed. What more is this than utter blasphemy to take over the life of someone who they deem cannot control herself and is nothing more than a marionette on a string being orchestrated by the puppet-master who can dispose of her as he pleases?
When you’re unworthy of anything: respect, friends, care, concern, time to relax, time to sleep, and time to just turn your head away from the torments of day…just to name a few, and to solely drown yourself in the white stacks of paper and ink day in and day out, with no contact with the outside world nor any way to communicate with others because you’re treated as a person in self-denial that has to undergo rehabilitation within her own home. How much further can the limits of being degraded as a human in the eyes of everyone be pushed?
When you are the mockery of everyone: retarded, ugly, pointlessly spending time trying to make yourself more beautiful but with a rotten character and heart inside that erodes away the facade of beauty which you created with makeup, being accused and taken for granted, labelled “the drug addict living in self denial”, “hopelessly wasting her parents’ money on education”, “a failure in life, a retard who can never learn”, “may as well drop out since you can never make it anyway”, when no one even bothers to support you anymore or believes in you or gives you even the slightest encouragement to push ahead and try your best again, what is the point of trying to lick their boots and get them to be your friend or make your family members appreciate or love you for the slightest bit even when they show no apparent signs of ever being able to change what they think of you and how they will actually think you “can do it” when all they have ever done was to shatter your pride, and demoralize you?
There’s no point for me to have feelings anymore. People will always looks down on me and not even see me as who I am or what I can do for them in their lives or even be of use to them or someone they can rely on because all I ever do is bring bad luck and unhappiness to everyone around me that is so pointless to even try and be someone who can smile or even have anymore emotions again. There;s not more point in trying to be someone “they” want me to be, I just have to be myself and live my own life and get away from all of them because it’s pointless to drown myself in this suffering and misery. Why subject myself to be a prisoner and succumb to their demands and ways? I should be better off alone without being judged by people who will never care, never try to understand me and never spare a thought for how I feel. In the end, I’ll only be a laughingstock to them, an outcast, a person everyone despises, a person no one will bother to waste their time on and someone who doesn’t even deserve in the very least her own personal space because I’ve been chained to the system of believing that I am nothing more than a mere spec of dust in this universe that the world could have done better without.
Whatever effort I have put in thus far will never be appreciated nor viewed as significant to anyone because in the end effort is deemed pointless if all you end up doing is failing and failing time and again. And because people lose faith in you, they shun their attention away for someone smarter and more capable of helping them and worth their time. I’m not worth anyone’s effort or time whatsoever. I’ll never be treated by the world as someone people can rely on or talk to or even interest themselves in. Their talk is always superficial and lip service; there is never a greater meaning as to why they even bother to talk to me. All the pointless chatter comes with ulterior motives or either leads to bullying over words to incite more hatred and anger within me. No one friend will ever truly be here for me when I need them. Even if I died. No one would shed a tear nor a frown nor the slightest emotion because I am just that insignificant to everyone. I’ve already nearly lost my life in a near car accident and I know what it’s like to narrowly escape death.
From this point on I’ll just live life on my own. I don’t care if friends don’t flock to me or what not because they will always eventually leave me someday. No one’s gonna stay here with me in the long term. I only have myself to rely on. And to throw away my feelings is the only way I’ll be able to survive.